Thinking it was the key to enlightnement I used to suppress strong emotion. So as a result, it’s been a long time since I’ve pined anything.

Pine:

To feel a lingering, often nostalgic desire.

2. To wither or waste away from longing or grief: pined away and died.

v.tr. Archaic

To grieve or mourn for.

n. Archaic

Intense longing or grief.

Hmm. Upon rereading the definition… I don’t really know what this is that I’m feeling.

I need a word that means I experience intense sensations within my body that I don’t have names for. I feel a dull ache by the heart. And a feeling in the throat like a slight inflammation. My eyes are full of a sad energy, but I do not want to cry. My belly is full of gravity like the fear that stops you in your tracks when you look into the abyss. But I’m not stopped. I wander in.

A cold runs over my feet and my hands. It creeps up my legs. There is a slight stinging to the flesh of my legs, like they’ve fallen asleep, though I know that they haven’t... and the energy has been sapped from my arms.