For a time I was incredibly disconnected from my emotional world. For some of the more logical people out there, I’d say, my ability to think and act rationally, while compartmentalizing my experiences, hindered my ability to appreciate what I was truly feeling in any moment.
I was going to say, “I don’t often experience fear,” in response to my friend Tracy talking about her experience of recognizing her own...
But that would be a lie.
I don’t often experience fear as a sort of dread that is going to consume me. I don’t consciously notice fear always, because it takes the shape of the scattering of focus. While it can live in my body as orbs of unsteadiness floating in front of my heart or a sinking in the gut or an energetic shock that runs cold through my nervous system… it’s rarely one of those sensations.
Most frequently?
Fear is distraction from my sense of purpose. Fear is the moment I look over my shoulder when I should just be running my race. Fear is the moment where I choose money over love, because I’ve stopped trusting the universe to keep feeding me as I try to pass the torch of passion to as many people as possible. Fear is the moment where I consciously stop saying “I love you,” because I’m worried that your feelings have changed. Maybe it seems like I’m trying to control you. Maybe it feels like I’m being taken for granted. Those moments are fear. They are not simply measured action. They are the lived rationalizations of the experiences within me. It seems we are endlessly trying to make wordy sense of our sense of the world.
Look back with me, what did I feel in those moments?
During the race? The sense of a shadow on my shoulder. While making choices? The sense of uncertainty when I’m asked practical questions about the future. While opting out of expressing my love? The confusion of not knowing what to make of their communication or lack thereof.
And this is a disservice to myself.
Some people think thoughts and feelings are separate, but the reality is that thoughts are a form of feeling.
“I don’t want to get out of bed today” sounds like a thought.
But it comes with motivations
Maybe you’re feeling comfortable in bed. Maybe you’re feeling angry at the life you live. Maybe You’re scared of a confrontation to come.
But what feelings will you let guide your choices in life?
I can’t answer that for you, but I will say this:
I’m generally led by surrendering to hope. I’ve made peace with the way things are, but I’m endlessly praying. Not to god, but to the wonder that lives in all the people and things.
Instead of words I like to let my actions be my prayers:
I forgive myself, because I want people to be free to choose redemption when they learn they can do better. How else could we heal? I surrender my ego as much as possible in order to choose love and truth. Hoping that imperfectly overcoming my fears will encourage more people to face their own. How else can we step into growth? I seek alignment because I want others to be free to seek their joy and truth and peace… to be free to discover themselves now. Not later. Not someday in the future, trying to find what’s left of their spirit after sacrificing their truths to the machine that says they do not have value as it gaslights us about our sense of self-worth. How else could we unlock the beautiful potential of each individual life?
What feelings will you let guide your choices in life?
I can’t answer that for you. I hope whatever you pick makes your life a thing of awe.
Tell me what guides your decisions in the comments. I’d love to know.